What Do You Deserve?
You deserve nothing more than the best. You were destined to have everything you desire, and more…. But do you believe it?
I remember staying up at night as a child and dreaming of my happily ever after. I would imagine my gorgeous husband, beautiful children and massive mansion. For a few moments I got a perfect life; a life where I was loved and appreciated. I knew that this fantasy wouldn’t last forever. I would soon be back to my reality. A place where I was invisible to many around me. A place where I was not the fairest of them all, not even close. It was a world where I was the ugly friend that never got invited to the party. The world and those around me began to teach me that I didn’t deserve the best, in actual fact, I should settle for anything I get.
It was with this mentality that I entered my first relationship. In me was a heart that believed that good things didn’t happen to people like me. A belief that I should be happy with anything I get, even if it’s detrimental. Maybe the theory that people sense insecurity and capitalise on it is correct. He didn’t take long before he began to exploit my need to be loved. He loved how I begged for his affection, knowing whatever he did would be forgiven. And I did forgive. I found myself making excuses for his physical abuse, hiding it from family and friends. After all he loved me, so soon enough he would stop. Looking back it seems so silly, the obvious thing would be to run from the relationship first chance I got. However the deep emptiness that depression had created in my soul meant that any attention was better than none.
And so the cycle continued; each relationship becoming more detrimental than the last, each forcing me deeper into depression and despair. I got to a point where I became accustomed to the pain. I began to crave it in every relationship, sabotaging all chances of love. I became suspicious of those that brought happiness or pleasure in my life. I pushed them away, afraid that they too only came to bring more sorrow to my heavy soul….
But some people are persistent. Lately I have people that have forced me to question why I thought I didn’t deserve happiness? Why I had allowed the world to bully me into accepting every negative opinion it had of me, forgetting I could easily say no. I have people that are teaching me that I deserve better, and maybe even more.