I often ask myself what it takes to be successful? Why do some people with the same abilities and opportunities do better in life?
I recently decided to take more risks, well as much risk as anyone with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) can take at any given moment. I decided to go and audition as a radio presenter at our national broadcaster. Before I had even reached the venue, I had convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. I made lists of why I could never get the job: I’m too shy, I’m boring, others are better, etc. By the time I got a chance to interview, I was mentally exhausted. I could hardly hear their questions, let alone remember the reason why I wanted to be a radio personality in the first place. I had sabotaged myself, and I didn’t even realise it. Needless to say I didn’t get the job. The rejection seemed to reaffirm all the things that I had told myself prior to the interview. I was so accustomed to the words that it didn’t feel wrong to say them, let alone believe them.
That is one of the hardest things about living with depression. It’s not the medication or the judging stares, it’s not the ups and downs or the chronic fatigue. It’s the manner in which you constantly beat yourself down. The way you are your worst enemy, the first to say you can’t and the last to say you are just fine the way you are. Your mind is always at war with your dreams, looking for ways to destroy all the things you hold dear. You become paranoid, afraid to hope because you know the self inflicted pain that follows. You hide your true personality because you know that it will be torn apart by your darkness. You are afraid and alone, believing that maybe you are all that you think you are, and maybe a little bit worse.
We often know the power words have on others. However we are at a loss when it comes to assessing the impact our words have on ourselves. We look at the brokenness that has been caused by our own ignorance and blame it on others. We hinder our own progress, keeping ourselves trapped in the place we long to escape. As we see others succeed, we continue to weight ourselves down with the burdens of the words we speak directly to our hearts. We anchor ourselves to disappointment, and watch as life continues without us.
There is power in words, so use that power to grow yourself. There are enough things in life that want to break you down, don’t be one of them.