This week has been a very interesting one for me. It’s one of those weeks where you learn so much about yourself, that your head spins. All that truth seems to only bring you confusion, and not the clarity that it always promises. I have learnt that I need to establish boundaries around my physical, emotional and mental self.
I have not been very kind to my body. I boast that I’m vegetarian and a yogi, but the truth is that I have been letting my health deteriorate rapidly. My fear of gaining weight and becoming obese has seen me cut out a lot of different food items from my diet. It started with tomatoes, but it has gradually grown to include many other vegetables. Slowly my list of “acceptable foods” has dwindled, leaving me tried, cranky and hungry. Although having a healthy body is vital if one plans to win the fight against depression, I have let my insecurities determine my health. I have allowed the comments of those that call me “fat” or “rather large” dictate how I eat, and how I perceive my body. I have failed to recognise that I should be the one to dictate the physical form my spirit gets to live in.
“I couldn’t have her, so I decided to settle for you instead.” He said this with a straight face. From the beginning he didn’t value me. He immediately showed me that I would always be second best, someones last option. I have not been in many romantic relationships, but the few I have been in have left me battered and bruised. For a long time I could not understand why I was prone to abuse; until I was told that ones romantic relationships do not differ from other relationships you may have. You remain the same person, and you will be treated the same way regardless of the title you place on that relationship. As hard as this was to hear, it was true. I have allowed those around me to constantly take from me with no limit. I have people that contact me only when they need a favour, because they know I never refuse. I am always available for friends and family, even when I do not have enough time to attend to my responsibilities. Yet I find myself being called “selfish” and “unappreciative” , and forced to beg when I need help. I have allowed people to use me in hopes to feel loved.
And perhaps this is why I am so mentally fragile. Maybe that is why I constantly battle demons that only I can see. The inability to protect my physical and emotional self has led my mind to create a way to escape through depression. Maybe this mental break was meant to give me a mental break. Maybe the fog that fills my brain wishes to act as a reminder that I should slow down, stop looking at the problems of others and focus on mine. Placing me in a space where I’m forced to address the issues I have so often avoided or blamed on others.
I have been open to a lot of things, in fear that I will be rejected if I didn’t. I have conformed, distorted and even killed parts of me in attempts to be accepted. I have failed at protecting my true self, and now I’m left alone to pick up the pieces.