Mental Health - Ros Limbo

Facing Change: How to Embrace New Opportunities

Ros Limbo — Sun, 05 Nov 2023 01:00:19 +0000

Let’s talk about that one thing that makes everyone nervous: change.

My life has changed drastically in the last six months. It went from being frustrated about not being promoted to moving to a whole new continent in order to pursue a new career.

Y’all it has been hard!

Change is not easy; especially when it’s crammed in such a short time frame. I feel like I’m losing my mind because I feel so overwhelmed, but I’m still here. There are moments when I want to press reset and just go back to a time where I wasn’t living in a foreign country. A time when the only thing I could complain about was the scorching heat of the Namibian sun.

But I can’t because I know that running away from change is not a solution. Yes there is some discomfort with change, but that far outweighs the consequences of staying in the same place. There are four consequences to resisting change.

1. Missed Opportunities

When you are resistant to change, you’re more likely to miss out on opportunities that could have been great for you. I studied a Bachelor’s of Commerce in undergrad and I remember in my second year I was offered an opportunity to change my major. This would have seen me work towards a Bachelors in Commercial Law. My lecturers saw my potential and ability to thrive outside the Accouting world, but I turned it down.

I turned it down out of fear of what my mom would say. I now look back and wonder if my varsity experience would have been any different if I took the leap of faith and pursued something I found enjoyable. And that’s the sad thing about resisting change: you will find yourself living in erpetual regret.

2. Stagnation

Stagnation occurs when you resist change because when you’re too afraid or unwilling to try new things, you find yourself stuck.

I have have worked four jobs thus far. When I started my second job, I realised it was nothing like I thought it would be. I was scared, frustrated and unfulfilled, but I didn’t leave. I stayed there for almost four years. My fear kept me trapped and my career was going nowhere fast.

I look back now and I wonder why I didn’t just leave after the first year. There wasn’t anything stopping me, but the fear of changing work environments. The thought of making new work friends, learning to report to a new boss and navigating the politics of another work enviroment made me fearful. So instead of moving forward, I allowed myself to sit in that place of frustration.

3. Mental Health Issues

Failing to adapt to change can have a negative impact on your mental health. When you’re constantly resistant to change, you may experience things like anxiety, depression and other forms of mental health issues.

I stayed in my first job for six months. Six months into my stint there, I started getting very sick. Although i took care of my health (exercised and ate well), I constantly found myself tired and experienced severe back pain. I went to a physiotherapist for a while, but it never got better. After a while, the physiotherapsit told me to consider seeing a psychologist as my pain may be a physical manifestation of depression or another mental illness.

I eventually went to a psychologist and I learnt that my mental health had been deteriorating for a while. I was constantly anxious, and my fear of change had me staying in a toxic work environment while my mental health took a hit. For a while I was too afraid to look for a job because better the devil you know right.

It took some extreme events for me to finally leave that environment.

4. Missed Personal Growth

When you’re too afraid to try new things or to take risks, you may find yourself stuck in the same place without any growth or progress.

The other day I was looking back at some old photos of myself and I realized that I hadn’t changed much in a very long time. Before I moved to London, I did the same things, I went to the same places and I kept my circle of friends. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with my friends. I love them! But I never attempted to expand my network and meet new people.

And perhaps that’s why I decided to move. I realised that I wasn’t really living a fulfilling life and I wasn’t living a fulfilling life because there are certain areas in my life I wanted to change but I was just too afraid

So if you want to lead a more fulfilling life, a life where you feel like you’re constantly pursuing and living in your purpose, it’s important to to pursue and embrace change at any at any and every opportunity. It is not easy, but being more receptive to change has a way of making everything around you much better.

Becoming comfortable with change is hard, but not impossible. So how exactly can you do it?

1. Accept Change

Hiding away from change does not mean it won’t happen. It simply means it’ll happen without you. Remember those missed opportunities we talked about.

I’m not a gym bunny, but I love various forms of movement such as walking or pilates. My body is very responsive to exercise and movement. I can start working out in the beginning of the month struggling to complete a workout, only for me to become fully adjusted in less than a month.

I have grown so accustomed to my body behaving in this manner, that I never thought it would change, That was before COVID.

After COVID, my body felt different. Movement was so hard. I remeber trying to do my first 5 km walk and I couldn’t even finish one kilometer. My body felt s foreign. I tried pushing myself to do more. But the more I pushed myself, the harder movement become. It got so bad that I started hating movement altogether.

I came to the realisation that this was my new reality and accept that COVID-19 forever changed my body. I can’t even be upset because I know surviving a bout of COVID, especially during the early stages of the pandemic, is a blessing. Accepting the change allowed me to start feeling more comfortable and my body started feeling like home again.

2. Embracing Change

Embracing change can be difficult especially if it’s not something that you were expecting, but embracing change is essential if you want to adapt and grow.

I currently live in London and the first time I went outside, I was really scared! There were so many people!

I’m from Namibia, a country with a population of less than three million people. London is pushing a population of over 9 million people. And although everybody speaks English, the accents make it so hard to understand what folks are saying. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a in a country where they speak a foreign language.

I found myself constantly calling my sister; I would text her and I would be crying and I’d ask myself if I made a massive mistake in moving.

Today, I now find myself using the tube like I have been living here all my life, but I still cry. And when I have the urge to cry, I choose a park to walk to. I watch people walk their dogs and find areas to explore. And that’s one thing I appreciate about London: the many open parks.

The other day I walked past the River Lea and saw a swan up close for the first time. I’m not a fan of birds, in fact I’m terrified of birds, but swans are truly a sight.

3. Be Flexible

Flexibility is key when it comes to adapting to change. It is important to be open to new experiences and willing to adjust your plans and expectations.

I applied to my third job (yes I know, I have a lot of work drama but bear with me) wanting to be a forensic auditor. But when I started working, I found myself doing a lot of internal audit work. For those not familiar with auditing, these two fields are completely different. It’s like a pediatrician vs a gynecologist; both are doctors but specialise in different fields.

When I started doing internal audit work, I was frustrated because it was not what I signed up for. I felt as though I didn’t have the skills to become an internal auditor, and I didn’t want to gain those skills. However, I soon had to remind myself of all the times I allowed myself to sit in frustration.

This time instead of staying in a state of fear and frustration, I started asking questions. I have to say I was lucky to have an amazing Senior Manager and Director that were both willing to guide me and teach me. The support they provided me allowed me to not only acquire a new skill, but also allowed me to call myself an internal auditor.

4. Focus On The Positive

When going through change, it’s very easy to focus on the negative. But keeping an eye out for the positive is important.

When I was in varsity, I was on the debating team. Those familiar with university debating will know that before any major tournament, there were tryouts. Well, I tried out as a speaker, but failed to make the cut. I was upset and disappointed, but refused to throw myself a pity party. Instead I decied to take up the role of adjudicator (the folks that judge the debate).

I’m so glad I decided to pivot into adjudication because it was so much fun, and I was rather good at it. Being an adjudicator taught me how to listen to others and showed me the importance of critical thinking. It taught me how to balance different perspectives and not buy into the notion that your accent determines your level of intellect. Plus it made me an excellent notetaker.

So yes, change can be scary.

It can be scary and overwhelming, but change can also be exciting and rewarding. It’s all about how you deal with it.

The post Facing Change: How to Embrace New Opportunities first appeared on Ros Limbo.

Veganism and Eating Disorders

Ros Limbo — Wed, 06 Jan 2021 19:22:55 +0000

When I went vegan my therapist asked me whether it was my decision or that of the eating disorder.

In all honesty, I didn’t really know. I remember the day I decided to stop eating meat. I remember explaining to family that I no longer enjoyed meat and thus didn’t see the need to eat it.

I cut out meat. And then I removed all diary and other animal products from my diet. Before I knew it I was cutting out different types of fruits and vegetables. My reasoning: I didn’t like the texture. It was in that moment that I realised that going vegetarian, and later vegan, were all manifestations of my eating disorder.

The eating disorder mind is very manipulative because it’s really unwell, it’s not a healthy brain that thinks rationally, so it’s always looking for validation to maintain disordered thoughts and behaviours.
Renee McGregor, dietician

When you have an eating disorder, you have an unhealthy relationship with food. I think about food all the type: what I’m going to eat, when I have to eat, how to reduce the calories I consume, etc. My brain is constantly being bombarded with ways to control and restrict what I eat, something that veganism helps me achieve.

While I believed that I became vegan for ethical reasons, I soon realised that I became vegan to hide my constant need to restrict and control what I ate. I am not saying veganism causes eating disorders. Eating disorders are complex psychological conditions that are caused by a combination of psychological, social and biological factors. However, veganism made it easier because the eating disorder aimed to control what I ate and restrict without question.

In her article Veganism and Eating Disorders: Facts and Fiction, Taylor Wolfram states that one can tell if a vegan has an eating disorder when they “…refuse to eat the vegan versions of what I like to call “fun foods.” This may include pizza, burgers, cheese, ice cream and baked goods.” In this instance veganism can no longer be used as an excuse to restrict, exposing the fear of weight gain and desire to restrict.

I am no longer in denial about having an eating disorder. And although at times being vegan can aid my eating disorder, I cannot ignore the many ways in which it has helped me.

I’m in a constant state of recovery; reminding myself that food is not the enemy.

The post Veganism and Eating Disorders first appeared on Ros Limbo.

Why Do I Have This Blog Anyway?

Ros Limbo — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 12:47:04 +0000

I don’t know.

No really, I don’t know.

I started blogging in 2014. Back then I just wanted to write so I switched my pen for the keyboard. I still had the dream of becoming a fulltime writer. I imagined that one day HuffPost would publish my work and my life would be changed forever.

But then my life did change forever: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication.

A side story before I continue. Like most people growing up, everything I knew about mental illness I learnt from TV. I remember watching 90210 and being introduced to the character called Ern Silver. Erin was a hot mess. She drank excessively and would have random outbursts. As the show progressed, it was revealed that Erin had bipolar disorder. From that point on my perception of people with bipolar disorder was that they were highly unstable, alcoholics and could not be trusted.

And then karma…

In the beginning, I wasn’t expressly told that I had bipolar. I found this out when I decided to read the letter my psychiatrist sent to my medical aid. I was furious. How dare this lady compare me to an unstable alcoholic! Couldn’t she see that I had a stable job and by my standards I was functioning just fine.

Being the Aquarian that I am, I confronted her on my next visit. She allowed me to rant, which I did for a good 30 minutes. After that she sat me down and explained what bipolar disorder was. She then went further and gave me examples of how I exhibited these symptoms during my visits to her. So moral of the story: don’t go confronting professionals without doing your research.

My life changed. I went from being “normal” to being what society sees as unstable and possibly violent. I started to notice the many biases people had towards those living with mental illness. It frustrated me because it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t true. People living with mental illness are only unstable if they are not granted access to proper medical care (a topic that deserves its own blog post). Many psychologists believe that people with mental illness are more likely to harm themselves then harm others.

So I guess that’s why I started this blog. I want to show people that a lot of what you see on TV concerning mental illness is not true. My dream is to create a space where others feel safe to talk about their mental illness. So going forward I promise to be more consistent with my writing. But more importantly, I will be more intentional about discussing mental illness biases on this blog.

And with that, have an amazing festive season.

Happy holidays:

The post Why Do I Have This Blog Anyway? first appeared on Ros Limbo.

The Invisible Prison of Eating Disorders

Ros Limbo — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 21:22:59 +0000

I have lost almost 10kg over the past three months. And getting there took drastic measures.

And not the ones you may be thinking about.

When you have an eating disorder, losing weight can be tricky. My psychologist told me that for those with eating disorders, there is a fine line between eating well and feeding (or starving) emotions. When the thought of healing my relationship with food crossed my mind, I was scared. I was scared that I would have a few days of progress before falling back into the black abyss that sees me binging and purging for days on end. Part of me wondered if the risk was even worth taking. “Weighing 80kg is way better than having your face in a toilet pot” is what I constantly told myself.

But in July something changed. All the reasons I had to justify my abusive relationship with food were gone. I now lived by myself. There was no pressure to eat certain foods at certain times. I no longer needed to hide the food I turned to for a binge. Nor did I have to run the shower so that no one would hear me get sick. I was alone. Alone with my fears and my thoughts. There was no one left to blame, nowhere left to hide. There was only me and the demons of my mental illnesses.

I realised something had to change but I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I signed up for a six month-program created by a close friend of mine. The aim of the program is simple: see food as a source of nourishment and not as an enemy. I’ll be honest, if this thing was done by anyone else I probably would have quit after the first week. By my third day in, I was having withdrawal symptoms. I call them withdrawal symptoms because I don’t know how else to explain the burning sensation in my throat or the constant nausea I experience when I do not binge and purge.

I stayed on the program because the person guiding me through the process created a safe space where I did not feel pressured to do anything. A space where I was listened to and my feelings were allowed to exist without judgement. For the first time I was encouraged to play and experiment with food, to spend time with food and see it as a creative outlet.

Y’all the process has been a hot mess at times, but here I am. There are days when I force myself to sleep because the urge to binge becomes so strong. There are days where I find myself exercising for over two hours to “burn off” the calories I had consumed. However, on most days, I spend hours in the kitchen cooking or baking. I’m not at the point where I can eat what I bake because I fear I might trigger a relapse, but the fact that it no longer makes me anxious leaves me so excited.

I’m a long way from recovered. If I’m honest. I think I will always be on the round to recovery. But I’m okay with that. As long as I keep moving forward, I’ll be okay.

The post The Invisible Prison of Eating Disorders first appeared on Ros Limbo.

The Constant Need For Boundaries

Ros Limbo — Fri, 17 Jul 2015 15:45:00 +0000

This week has been a very interesting one for me. It’s one of those weeks where you learn so much about yourself, that your head spins. All that truth seems to only bring you confusion, and not the clarity that it always promises. I have learnt that I need to establish boundaries around my physical, emotional and mental self.

I have not been very kind to my body. I boast that I’m vegetarian and a yogi, but the truth is that I have been letting my health deteriorate rapidly. My fear of gaining weight and becoming obese has seen me cut out a lot of different food items from my diet. It started with tomatoes, but it has gradually grown to include many other vegetables.

Slowly my list of “acceptable foods” has dwindled, leaving me tried, cranky and hungry. Although having a healthy body is vital if one plans to win the fight against depression, I have let my insecurities determine my health. I have allowed the comments of those that call me “fat” or “rather large” dictate how I eat, and how I perceive my body. I have failed to recognise that I should be the one to dictate the physical form my spirit gets to live in.

“I couldn’t have her, so I decided to settle for you instead.” He said this with a straight face. From the beginning he didn’t value me. He immediately showed me that I would always be second best, someones last option. I have not been in many romantic relationships, but the few I have been in have left me battered and bruised. For a long time I could not understand why I was prone to abuse; until I was told that ones romantic relationships do not differ from other relationships you may have. You remain the same person, and you will be treated the same way regardless of the title you place on that relationship. As hard as this was to hear, it was true.

I have allowed those around me to constantly take from me with no limit. I have people that contact me only when they need a favour, because they know I never refuse. I am always available for friends and family, even when I do not have enough time to attend to my responsibilities. Yet I find myself being called “selfish” and “unappreciative” , and forced to beg when I need help. I have allowed people to use me in hopes to feel loved.

And perhaps this is why I am so mentally fragile. Maybe that is why I constantly battle demons that only I can see. The inability to protect my physical and emotional self has led my mind to create a way to escape through depression. Maybe this mental break was meant to give me a mental break. Maybe the fog that fills my brain wishes to act as a reminder that I should slow down, stop looking at the problems of others and focus on mine. Placing me in a space where I’m forced to address the issues I have so often avoided or blamed on others.

I have been open to a lot of things, in fear that I will be rejected if I didn’t. I have conformed, distorted and even killed parts of me in attempts to be accepted. I have failed at protecting my true self, and now I’m left alone to pick up the pieces.

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8 Reasons Why Depression Is Good

Ros Limbo — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 14:52:00 +0000

Two months ago my friend Aili asked me to write about the positive side of depression. The idea caught me off guard, and seemed ridiculous. How can one draw anything good from a disorder that leaves you drained, both physically and mentally? How can anything positive come from something that has managed to turn your entire world upside down?

But this past week, two young men taught me a few things about patience, pain and growth. It is from interacting with them that I learnt the following things about my depression.

1. I appreciate the small things in life

When you are depressed, everything looks dark. Its like the world is black and white; void of all colour. That is until you have a good day. On a good day, the sun feels warm on your skin, food entices all of your taste buds, and music is just that much sweeter. I love these days. On a good day I find any reason to be outside. I listen to the traffic, and the silent hums of its occupants. I watch builders walk back and forth between various construction sites, carrying their lunch in multicoloured plastic bags. I smile as children walk by, and give a polite nod to their parents. For a moment my life is filled with the joy from those around me, and I love it.

2. I am more empathetic and a better listener

Depression takes you through a multitude of emotions. Emotions, that in a normal setting, you would have never had to experience. I know what it means to have extreme bouts of rage, loneliness and sadness. I have felt trapped and cornered by others and my own emotions, so when someone talks to me about these issues I can easily relate. And because I can relate, I will be less likely to be dismissive of their emotions and how they impact their lives. I appreciate someone that can listen when I am down, so I try and do the same for others.

3. I am less judgemental

I have tried to kill myself more than once. I have been in relationships that are less than desirable because I believed that is what I deserved. I have had the darkest thoughts and the darkest days… SO when someone tells me they drank a little too much last night and did something they shouldn’t have, I know I have no right to judge. Depression has made me realise that an action does not define you. People are more than the actions they make, or the words they say. I know that not everything can be taken at face value.

4. I am a better writer

You know how they say creative people are depressed, well there may be some truth to it. It’s during my darkest days that I write the most. This is a time when I am honest about where I am and how I feel. It is a time that allows me to clearly articulate my feelings, as they are tangible and real in that moment. I believe this is why many people can relate to what I write.

5. I am more focused

I never know when a bad day is coming, so I maximize the good days. I now make a conscious effort to write down what I wish to do in life, and how I plan to achieve it. I actively pursue my dreams because I know at any moment the depression will come creeping back, and I will be trapped in my mind for days, weeks or months. I don’t create reasons why I cannot do something, neither do I listen to those that do not believe in my dreams. I sow as many ideas as I can, and tend to them with every waking moment. Knowing that even if I become depressed tomorrow, my dreams will grow and bare fruit in my absence.

6. Exercise and a good diet become your friend

I am a vegetarian yogi. There are many foods I try my best to avoid because they have a negative impact on my mood e.g. chocolate, alcohol and coffee. I try and eat as healthy as possible so that my mind has a strong body to support its recovery. I exercise at least three times a week. This is a must for me. The moment I start skipping exercise, my mood begins to slip and my body tenses up.

7. I always have something to talk about

I do a lot of research on depression, as well as other mood disorders. I often find myself stumbling on information that I never knew before, which comes in handy during conversation. And when I don’t know what to say, I mention having depression. People are always curious, and are always ready to learn more about mental disorders.

8. I am no longer afraid of death

Like I have stated in no 3, I have tried killing myself multiple times. Depression had a way of making you think about death constantly, to the point where saying it out loud doesn’t send shivers down your spine. You begin to get comfortable with the idea, and start focusing your life on other issues such as writing that book you have been planning for years or practicing that cool yoga pose. Death is no longer an obstacle.

There are days when depression has me locked away in the shadows of my mind, but it is in this darkness that I continue to grow my character.

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I’m Tired of These Seven Questions

Ros Limbo — Sat, 04 Jul 2015 19:51:00 +0000

I am very open about my struggle with depression. I share and answer as many questions as possible in hopes that it will aid the next person. However there are questions that I simply can’t bring myself to answer anymore. So here they are:

1. You are so happy, you can’t be depressed?

I’m an emotional chameleon, easily masking my emotions to fit in with those around me. From a young age I learnt that people don’t want to hear how you really feel. Negative feelings make people gravitate away from you as everyone knows negativity is infectious. Many depression sufferers hide their pain behind fake smiles and giggles. This is why the ” happiest ” people seem to commit suicide. So in most cases I’m not okay or happy, I just want to make sure you remain in a positive space.

2. You are Christian and depressed?! Clearly you don’t pray enough

I remember having a conversation with my former MD and being made to feel like I’m less of a Christian. I would soon learn that depression is taboo in Christianity. You don’t talk about it as it reflects badly on your faith. Many of the people I talk to about my depression make me feel weak and unchristian; almost as though God can’t love someone with a disease like mine.

3. Why do you need a psychiatrist?

Although many doctors prescribe antidepressants, it is best to see and receive treatment from a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are like doctors and psychologists in one. They determine which psychological disorder you have, they prescribe medication best suited for this disorder, and they monitor how you respond to this medication. Psychiatrists also provide talk therapy (not to the extent of psychologist) which they use to determine the efficacy of the treatment.

4. Aren’t antidepressants addictive? You need to stop taking them

I need antidepressants like a diabetic needs insulin. Without them I may find it almost impossible to sleep, eat, shower or leave the house. It’s that simple.

5. Dating must be hard with your depression and all

My family is still getting to grips with my diagnosis. It would be selfish to expect a stranger to immediately understand, and be comfortable with what I’m going through. So no, I do not date. And yes, it is difficult to date because depression is not something you can hide. Sooner or later, you will have to bring it up and talk about it.

6. Why are you always sick / tired?

Although depression is a mental disorder, it does manifest itself physically. A very common manifestation is terribly back pains. For months I went to a physiotherapist in order to help manage the pain as painkillers no longer helped. As for the fatigue, this is due to two reasons: either you sleep too much or too little. During most of my varsity life I lived on less than 3 hours of sleep a day. A bad spell would see me go for a week with no sleep. I began suffering from chronic fatigue, where even sleeping pills did little to help. This changed when I began to work. I would find myself wanting to sleep for hours on end. I would sleep for 12 hours or longer, and I would still be tired. This left me lethargic. I still have days when this happens. It acts as a good indicator that I’m getting too more depressed than usual.

7. Stop telling people you are depressed, it freaks them out

I share my experience because I don’t want people to live with the stigma of mental disorders. I want people to be comfortable with the concept of seeing psychologists and seeking help when necessary. I want people to realise that mental disorders are real, and not only for a specific section of society.

Depression is a serious disease that goes undetected. If you suspect those you love suffer from any mental disorder, be supportive and encourage them on their journey to recovery. Please avoid the above questions:)

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A Daughter’s First Love

Ros Limbo — Sat, 20 Jun 2015 13:33:00 +0000

A father is said to be his daughter’s first love, and his son’s hero; but what if he is the villain that leaves both hearts and homes broken?

I have never seen my father in my life…. I remember when that phrase made cringe. Children can be mean, and they would taunt anyone who didn’t have the “traditional” family. I remember how for years I would like about knowing my father. I would make up memories, birthdays and professions whenever people asked me about my dad. I would sketch out the life I never had with a man I would never know just so that people wouldn’t laugh at me. I would secretly pray that the feeling that half of me was missing would go away. That I would find something to fill me.

I can’t speak of my mother’s relationship with the sperm donor I have to call father. However I can speak of the “relationship” I have with him. I learned at a young age that my father didn’t want me in his life. He ignored all attempts I made to connect with him. I endured being called a liar and a fraud by the woman he now calls his wife. I’m the mistake he made, and chose to leave behind; and that broke me. There is something about knowing a parent doesn’t want you that messes up your spirit. You are left longing for a love that you never knew. All in the while telling yourself that no one could possibly love you; how could they when your own father refused to love you.

A few days ago I was explaining to a friend just way I avoided relationships. How I had chosen to remain alone forever and freeze my eggs just in case I decide to have kids one day. It may sound ridiculous, but that it made total sense to me at the time. It’s only later that I realised that all these ridiculous ideas where made to cover up my fear of being alone; my fear that no one would be able to love someone has weird and emotional as me. I began to see all these walls that I had built around me so that people couldn’t get in. No one can leave you if they were never in your life. Unconsciously I was making sure that no man would ever abandon me like me father had done.

My father wasn’t my first love, he was the first man that broke my heart. And the pain he left behind will forever echo in my life.

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Self-sabotage and the Power of Words

Ros Limbo — Sat, 16 May 2015 10:41:00 +0000

I often ask myself what it takes to be successful? Why do some people with the same abilities and opportunities do better in life?

I recently decided to take more risks, well as much risk as anyone with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) can take at any given moment. I decided to go and audition as a radio presenter at our national broadcaster. Before I had even reached the venue, I had convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. I made lists of why I could never get the job: I’m too shy, I’m boring, others are better, etc.

By the time I got a chance to interview, I was mentally exhausted. I could hardly hear their questions, let alone remember the reason why I wanted to be a radio personality in the first place. I had sabotaged myself, and I didn’t even realise it. Needless to say I didn’t get the job. The rejection seemed to reaffirm all the things that I had told myself prior to the interview. I was so accustomed to the words that it didn’t feel wrong to say them, let alone believe them.

That is one of the hardest things about living with depression. It’s not the medication or the judging stares, it’s not the ups and downs or the chronic fatigue. It’s the manner in which you constantly beat yourself down. The way you are your worst enemy, the first to say you can’t and the last to say you are just fine the way you are.

Your mind is always at war with your dreams, looking for ways to destroy all the things you hold dear. You become paranoid, afraid to hope because you know the self inflicted pain that follows. You hide your true personality because you know that it will be torn apart by your darkness. You are afraid and alone, believing that maybe you are all that you think you are, and maybe a little bit worse.

We often know the power words have on others. However we are at a loss when it comes to assessing the impact our words have on ourselves. We look at the brokenness that has been caused by our own ignorance and blame it on others. We hinder our own progress, keeping ourselves trapped in the place we long to escape. As we see others succeed, we continue to weight ourselves down with the burdens of the words we speak directly to our hearts. We anchor ourselves to disappointment, and watch as life continues without us.

There is power in words, so use that power to grow yourself. There are enough things in life that want to break you down, don’t be one of them.

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The Lure of Having a Child

Ros Limbo — Sat, 02 May 2015 08:47:00 +0000

I watch people with their children. I see how parents see their children as both a blessing, and an extension of themselves. I makes me wonder whether I’ll be equipped to be a mother?

My stance on children was very clear when I was young. I didn’t want to have one. I couldn’t understand why people would subject their children to this world. I saw a world where only those with gorgeous faces or splendid humour would stand a chance of surviving. I saw a world where children were bullied for being different, for having less and for being themselves. People didn’t take the time to listen to the problems children went threw. Teens were labeled as rebels by adults, not knowing that certain life situations had resulted in that teen acting out in an attempt to receive help and love. I saw a world that wasn’t equipped for handling children, so I couldn’t understand why people continued to have them.

As I grew older, I realised that people have children not to grow the population (as naive as that may sound), but to fill a void in themselves. Adults to have it all together as we are often forced to believe. Adults are the most broken examples of humanity. They have to live with broken dreams, regret and jobs that do nothing for their self esteem. They see things as black and white, as life has drained them of any form of imagination. Children on the other had are full of life. They are optimists that have endless imagination and ambition. They tell stories of being doctors and firefighters, while being superheroes in their free time. They are everything parents want to be, but don’t know how to achieve.

I turned 24 and immediately noticed the void. It was an emptiness that the anti depressants could not fill. It was as though I was dead inside, and waking up seemed almost impossible. It was then I realised that children do just that. They awaken the soul in ways that can only be described as “divine intervention”. They offer hope when everything seems bleek. I finally understood the allure of having a baby. Of having someone that is yours and no one else’s. Of being loved, not because of any material possession you have given them, but by simply being their parent. However with this realisation, came another. How would my depression be affected by having a child? Would my child also be depressed? Would it be safe for me to be on medication while being pregnant? Suddenly the choice that seemed so easy became challenging and brought with it panic and anxiety.

It is as though my depression has taken one more thing away from me. Again it has left me in a position where it’s my only companion.

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