On Jealousy, Shame, and the Life I Thought I’d Have

Since the end of last year, I’ve been battling a lot of negative emotions. Feelings of jealousy, envy, grief, and shame. I call them “ugly” emotions, or negative emotions, because they’re the kind people say we shouldn’t have. Even though, at the end of the day, they are still emotions we carry.

I know that jealousy comes from seeing something I wish I had. I know grief comes from looking at things I can no longer have because of time, or choices, or circumstances. I know shame comes from things that have happened that, although not my fault, I still carry the weight of.

As I try to navigate these feelings, I’m reminded of Saul in the Bible.

The Story of Saul

What’s interesting is that when people talk about Saul, they often focus on the man who tried to kill David after David was anointed king. But they forget that Saul was the first king chosen for the Israelites.

When God called him to be anointed, Saul hid. He hid because he felt unworthy: unworthy of being chosen, unworthy of being anointed; even though those around him could clearly see his presence. He was striking, tall, commanding. He stood above others, literally and figuratively. Yet within himself, he felt inadequate.

And still, God saw him as fit.

As the story unfolds, Saul becomes king. He reigns. But somewhere along the way, at least in the way I understand it, he falls off track. I say that because he begins to believe the throne belongs to him, rather than recognising it was given to him by God.

And I think that’s where this story meets me.

Because I’ve fallen into the same trap: the illusion that I am in control, that I am steering my life, that I can dictate what happens. And in doing so, I forget that in so many instances, I am only here because of grace and mercy.

There are moments in my life that, when I look back now, I realise how close I came to losing everything. Moments I could have died. Times I could have become a teenage mother. Situations where I could have fallen into destructive habits. And yet… here I am. Still standing. Still whole in many ways.

And still naive enough, at times, to believe I’m in charge.

While Saul was king, God decided to anoint another king, someone after His own heart. When David is anointed as the next king, Saul becomes angry. Deeply, painfully angry. He does everything in his power to destroy David. And yet, even then, God allows Saul to remain on the throne.

It’s only near the end, when Saul is told to wait, to be still, to trust, that things finally unravel. He becomes impatient. He acts outside of instruction. And in that moment, everything shifts.

And this is what stays with me.

Grace and By Grace Alone

In my envy, my jealousy, my grief, my anger, my shame… I forget that even then, grace and mercy are still carrying me.

There’s a part of Saul’s story that always unsettles me. Even when he was tormented, even when he felt abandoned, I find myself asking: Why didn’t he pray? That’s all he needed to do. All he had to do was return to the One who placed him there and say, “I’ve lost my way. Help me.”

But he never did.

And I think that’s pride because we don’t want to admit we’re lost. We don’t want to admit we feel uncomfortable things; things that make us look flawed, or weak, or even ugly. But it’s only when we face those emotions that healing begins. It’s only then that we recognise we are still held… still seen… still carried.

I think this post is more for me than for anyone else. A reminder that guilt, shame, anger, envy are all normal human emotions. The problem isn’t that they exist. The problem is what we choose to do with them.

I’ve found myself in a difficult space, trying to create distance, trying to process these emotions without letting them spill onto the people or situations that trigger them. Because the truth is, it’s not really about them. It’s about me.

It’s the grief of a life I wish I had lived differently. The shame tied to things that were never within my control. The jealousy that creeps in when I look at others and realise time has passed, and certain paths are no longer mine to walk. And I have to let myself grieve that. Because if I don’t, I’ll never fully live the life I have now.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense.

But this is me trying. Trying to move through these emotions instead of staying stuck in them. Trying to step into a life where I am present. A life where I live fully. A life I’m proud of. A life where emotions can come and go without defining me.

A life where, no matter what I feel, I remember this: I am still carried by grace.