There is growth in failure.
Starting over is hard. Starting over means facing the reasons why you “failed” and using them as building blocks for your success.
2019 was a hard year for most people. Many of us were forced to make decisions that we thought we would never have to make, and I am no exception.
Last year I began to neglect my personal practice. The joy I felt when doing yoga was gone and in its place was dread and loathing. I am not sure how I began fearing the mat, but I remember how I started hiding my mat so as to not feel guilty. As a yoga teacher, people expect you to practice everyday. However, practicing required time that I felt I did not have.
I decided to stop teaching yoga to make more time for me. Selfish right? But I came to realise that it is okay to be selfish. I could not teach anymore because my teaching no longer came from a place of love but of obligation. Class after class I realised that the mat was no longer my safe haven but another burden I had to bear. So I decided to stop.
And start again.
Start again by climbing back on my mat and falling in love with the practice that gave me peace. In December I spend hours with my mat acknowledging the fears and pains that come with being a beginner yogi. I saw how I lost flexibility but gained strength (yay weight training). I found myself in tears when I fell out of poses that I could do effortlessly in 2018. Yet I found solace in my ability to keep trying.
I don’t know when I will start teaching again, but I know that 2020 is dedicated to me and my love for yoga.