What The Heck Am I Doing?

It’s been very hard to write lately. I have been feeling overwhelmed and thus unsure of what will come up from my words. But here goes:

I haven’t been sleeping so much (apart from the days I passed up from sheer exhaustion). Apart from the fact that my back feels like that of an 80 year old, my mind seems to be working overtime. Every time I close my eyes I see every single thing I have done wrong; all the wrong turns made that have brought me to this place. I think of when I received by third year results and opted to go to another university instead of staying on and doing my Honours in Taxation. I was reminded of the day when I sat down with my lecturers and turned down the offer to redo my CTA (which stands for Certificate in the Theory of Accounting which then allows you to become a Charted Accountant) full-time with their support. Or the day when I quit my job at an audit firm because the partner was treating me like s**t and it made my moods highly unstable.

I suppose that at the time I was making decisions I thought was best for my future, mentally and otherwise. However now I am in a panic because I do not know if that was the right decision. I watch as all those in my high school class have now made a name for themselves: lawyers, doctors, analysts and accountants. They have made great strides in their lives and are financially stable in ways I can only dream of.

Me?

I feel like I have remained stagnant. I have always been a chaser of dreams; believing that every person should live their purpose. However in my pursuit of my dreams, it seems like I have made a few wrong turns. Don’t get me wrong, I know just how privileged I am for having a job. But the job I have is far from what I had imagined for my life. I’m an auditor but I’m not a registered auditor. If I want to be anywhere near the level my peers are, I would have to start all over again. And starting over again would mean owning up to the fact that I was wrong in pursuing my dreams.

I’m terrified!

It is as though the world is forcing me into a corner where Accounting is the only way out. Yes Accounting provides job security. Yes Accounting gives you tonnes of money (depending on your route). But does Accounting make me happy? Unfortunately not. There are people that appreciate the routine that comes with working in Accounting, but I am not one of them. I love doing something different and exciting everyday; it keeps my wondering mind in check. I remember being shoved into a small, often cold, room to carry out audits. Apparently the quiet helps with finishing ones work faster. Despite what many believe, I love being around people. All that positive energy, laughter and ideas is what I need to keep me writing. I can’t stand the isolation that comes with being an accountant or auditor.

I can’t stand the isolation that comes with being an accountant or auditor.

Going back to actively pursue that career feels like purposefully seeking isolation. It’s like finding the light but then choosing darkness. A bit dramatic perhaps, but that is how it feels like for me. I still remember the me that worked in an audit firm. I remember the depression, the fear and the isolation and I refuse to go back there!

I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I just hope that I find peace in whatever decision I make.