I grew up not knowing my father. As a child I would dream of what his face looked like. I would spend hours imagining what my relationship with him would be. However more than anything, I would wonder why my own father failed to love me.
This is something that I have carried with me, and continue to carry with me. In the back of my mind I wonder how anyone can love me if one of my parents failed to even acknowledge my existence. I find myself trying to overcompensate in every relationship I find myself in. I give more than I receive, and always find myself broken and empty.
Lately I have come to realise that I love too much. I love because I never want anyone to feel abandoned or unwanted, as that feeling stays with you all your life. I do more than people ask in hopes they realise that I am trying to support them. I bend over backwards to help those I love achieve their dreams because I would love the same type of support. I go beyond what was asked of me, and that is often the problem.
Recently I met someone I loved more than was normal. He told me his dreams and I ran with them. I looked for opportunities at every corner that would help me get to where he wanted. I gave and gave and gave; but soon realised that giving your all won’t mean that person loves you. Giving your all doesn’t mean that the individual will make you a priority in life. And that is where love has lost me.
I have always though love was about giving your all. I thought when you loved someone you wanted the best for them at all times. However it seems the way I have loved is not compatible with the time I live in. If anything people like me, people that love too much, are considered weak and stupid. And as I write this post I realise that I no longer want to be this person. I no longer want to be the girl that gives and gives, while other just keep taking.
I write this post and realise that something within me has begun to change forever. I do not know if anything will be able to save the dying part of me that believed in love and fairy tales. I now fully understand why people have come to live by the motto “hoe is life”.