Unwanted

I wanted to start this post with an inspiring quote or a quirky remark, but I won’t. This post, like the original idea of this blog, is to be honest with you as to where I am and how I’m dealing. So here goes…

The period of August to October have not been easy for me: mentally, physically, spiritually. The events of the last three months have been a little too much even for me. Instead of dealing with all the pain and fear that I experienced, I shelved it and promised myself that I would go back when I had more time. I buried myself in exercise and work so that I didn’t have to think. However this week the pain came back with a vengeance.

Everyday, for the past week, I have burst into tears for no apparent reason. At the mention of someone’s promotion I would cry. At the sight of a well-dressed woman I would cry. After a good exercise I would cry. I cried because I felt lost and still feel lost. However it was the thought of seeing people and having people see me that affected me the most. The idea that I would have to interact with someone in a social setting made me scared. The dread and anxiety that haunted me a few years ago has seemingly come back.

It is scary to admit that my anxiety and uneasiness comes from the feeling on inferiority and fear of reject me that has lived with me ever since I was a small child. It is this constant nagging that tells you that you are not good enough. Lately I take a look in the mirror and I believe the whispers I hear. I believe that I am ugly because I don’t wear mascara and lipstick. I believe that I’m unwanted because, unlike many women around me, I do NOT know anything about fashion. I feel lost in a world that says that my belief in love is silly and misplaced.

Perhaps I should talk to those around me, but where do I start? How do I say “I’m jealous of how you make dressing up look so easy?” or “I hate that you are so skinny!”. How do I begin to tell those around me that their existence makes me feel more alone than loved?!

If anything, writing this makes me feel needy. And there is nothing more than I hate then feeling needy.

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