An Ode To My Absent Father

Perhaps you did not know what you were doing
Maybe you made a mistake
Unable to realise that breaking my mother’s heart
Meant robbing me of mine

I see the fear in your words when I read the only proof I have of your existence
Someone ready for sex but unable to be a father
The presence of me was too much for you to handle
So you took to living your own dreams selfishly

I wish I did not have your mannerisms
I wish that when my mother looks at me she didn’t have to see you
She wouldn’t be reminded of a man that claimed to love her
But was so fast to run away

You do not know that I look for you in every man I meet
Seeking for validation I never received
Wanting to be worthy of love you never gave me
Hoping that giving myself completely would mean one man would stay

Your failure has tainted me
It has driven me to the brink of insanity
Because I see your shortcomings as mine
Always thinking I need to prove my worth

My dearest absent father,
You failed me
I am now consumed by loneliness
Because you didn’t consider me worthy.