My mom always tells me to go out and be with friends. She says that the older you get, the more alone you will become. I never understood that until now.
Through out primary and secondary school, I always wondered how many friendships I would be able to sustain. I watched as people I thought were my closest friends drift away. They gained new interests, better friends, new hobbies. Our past friendship meant that they would acknowledge my existence, but that would be as far as it went. I would no longer be invited to movies or be allowed at their parties. I had become a stranger that looked at their lives from the outside.
I remember how making new friends in varsity was so hard for me. Most of the time I didn’t know what to say. I felt so detached from the conversations many people were having. I never understood the fascination with clubs or excessive drinking. I always found myself sleeping or in bed with my laptop on a Friday night. Perhaps some were right when they said I was inherently boring as I failed to spend my youth in the traditional fashion.
And so, as I told someone last night about how I worry about losing friends, I came to realise that I am alone. I felt lonely and that made me afraid. If I had to have a wedding, would anyone come? Would anyone answer the text messages I sent? If something would happen to me in that very moment, who could I call?
Perhaps loneliness is a curse of those growing older. Perhaps I have failed to continuously tend to my relationships, thus leaving me lonely. All I know is that loneliness is a reality I currently live.