We each have a specific purpose in life. We all wish to live a life that silences that inner voice that continuously longs for something better. But what will you do if you come face to face with that destiny?
In the last few weeks I have made more mistakes than I could care to count. It’s not the little mistakes like leaving the lights of your car on, or making a cup of coffee and forgetting it. These are mistakes that leave you questioning your moral standing and your true self. One wonders whether if going against your own moral compass means that you never actually based your life on them in the first place. You start to wonder whether you have always been this individual, but have simply masked it behind gracious behaviour and polite smiles. You find yourself doing things you always said you would never do, then wonder if you can blame it on human nature or a personality flaw?
My latest mistake is engaging in a “relationship” that has me going against the Ros I thought I was. It has me lying, cheating and acting like an addict on crack. Every fix leaving me numb; but under that numbness lays unwavering emptiness, doubt and self loathing. I now understand when my psychologist said most depression sufferers engage in destructive behaviour. Because I watch myself repeating a cycle that will be no good for me, but it is one that helps me forget my emptiness, my loneliness and my insecurities. For a few hours I don’t have to fake a smile or force and “I’m okay thanks” because the feelings of despair are gone. What is left behind is a shell that longs to feel something, anything, but has become indifferent to its surroundings.
How are emotions and knowing your true self interlinked to ones destiny? Well the following can be explained by an incident that took place this week:
I decided to venture into motivational speaking as I have come to realise that being a transformational speaker is part of my destiny. I didn’t give it much thought, I assumed I was well spoken and thus could easily speak in front of grounds. However as the couching sessions began, I soon realised that motivational speaking goes beyond being a good speaker. It extends into being able to tap into emotions that have been buried so deep that you have come to forget that they even exist. It involves facing demons that you have locked away with one vice or another. It’s a calling that, like all true callings, forces you to reevaluate the person you think you are.
It was in that moment of repeating a sentence about my life that I came to realise the following about me:
1. I HATE myself and that has nothing to do with my depression.
2. I cannot register love, as in I can’t feel it, because my inner child believes that if my own father refused to love me, no one else can.
3. My fist sexual encounter left me damaged because I don’t view sex in the casual sense that society does. I am left feeling like a whore; incapable of washing the filth that now stains my soul.
4. I’m afraid of good men. Afraid because I fear that I will infect them with my brokenness.
5. I struggle with my weight because one part of me wants to be beautiful, while the other wishes to be hideous so that no one can ever come close to me.
6. I’m lost. And the only way I know how to express my feelings is through writing words I am too weak to speak.
7. I love God. But I argue with him everyday because I don’t see why he allows me to wake up every morning.
And until I know how to positively deal with the above, I will remain trapped. Unable to achieve the destiny that seems to be close enough to touch; but still so far out of reach.