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They say each individual is specially designed to fulfil their life purpose. They have the strength and knowledge to overcome their weaknesses. However what happens when they make the wrong decisions?

The first time I recall making a bad decision was when I picked a high school. I opted for one that was closer to home as it made the walking distance less strenuous. I failed to realise that none of my primary school friends would be there, or that the medium of instruction was Afrikaans (a language I could not speak nor understand at the time). I had put myself in an uncomfortable situation, and I panicked. For five years I would have to live with the thought of what would have been had I went to a different high school. Would I be the same individual, or would my life have taken a different course? The same uncertainty followed me to university. I hated the course I chose, and despised the fact that I could not afford to do another degree. The confusion and regret pushed me into a sadness that I have never truly recovered from. I spent what should have been the best years of my youth hiding in bed, and crying myself to sleep.

I carried this regret into my working career. I saw how I made one bad decision after another, all in hopes that I would finally be in a place where I feel comfortable. I left an employer who pushed me passed breaking point in hopes to find solitude. Instead I found myself in an environment that has a disregard for quality work. An environment where people can drink on the job, where being friendly with the boss gets you more than hard work,  and where laziness pays off. I am in a workplace that is not driven to perform, and that has me extremely agitated. I can’t leave. I no longer trust my ability to make decisions. It seems like with every decision I make, I am pushed further into depression and despair. Perhaps I am the problem? Perhaps I don’t know how to adapt? Perhaps I am chasing a dream of satisfaction that does not even exist. Maybe people act pleased, even when trapped in an environment that causes them great displeasure.

And maybe this is what being an adult means: acepting the idea that you won’t ever reach a level of comfort that allows you to live a happy life. If this is true, then I never want to be an adult. I refuse to live a life where I always feel trapped by fear. A life where regret has me chained to the floor of depression until my heart decides to no longer beat. I want to be happy. I long to have a job that I love doing: that challenges and energises me. I wish to experience life in a way that pushes my boundaries, but reinforces the person I am and am destined to become.

Regrets always immerge regardless of how carefully we live our lives. That is why it is best to always make decisions that bring you closer to what you are destined to become. For the biggest regret one should never have is the regret of not chasing ones dream to the ends of the world, and beyond.

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Ros Limbo
mulemwa.limbo@gmail.com