The world seems to exploit your weaknesses, no matter how strong you try to be.
Many people know I’m not comfortable about my weight. Yet many people still go out of their way to make me feel overly uncomfortable about it. Today I had to endure an hour of being told how fat I was and how “You should lose weight if you want to get married.” As though my entire personality hinged on my weight and nothing more. I had to keep quiet as my self esteem was beaten down for reasons I could not comprehend. Yet again I was reminded that I was less of a person because I weigh 75 kg! It was though I had wasted my time getting educated because well educated can’t be seen in the mirror. The idea that I would be alone for the rest of my life was reinforced by this lady that didn’t even know my name.
I don’t know if it’s due to the years of brainwashing, or because of a faltering self esteem. I too have began to buy into the idea that I’m only as good as my weight. I find myself spend hours looking at ways to curb my eating habits. I find myself counting calories, punishing myself when I venture beyond 1200 calories a day. I have become obsessed with the idea.of plastic surgery, especially gastric bypass surgery. I don’t dream of skinny, I dream of being anorexic. I see myself as a member of the size zero movement even though my current state does not reflect this. And as my mind continues to be consumed by these thoughts, the pleasure of cooking has disappeared. Only replaced by the anxiety of having to eat so that people don’t notice my growing need to starve myself.
I can hear my cousin saying “Ros, stop complaining about your weight. Skinny girls have issues to.” A statement that I have found difficult to believe. I have never seen said cousin being sat down and bombarded with questions as to why her weight is not at a predetermined figure. I have never heard her being accused of looking five years older than her actual age, or being told she is probably a mother of two. She has never experienced going into a shop and not fitting into anything, only for the sales assistants to give you a questioning look and begin a conversation about healthy eating and exercise. No one has given her questioning looks when she indulges on ice cream or worse yet, cake. Her imperfections aren’t magnified daily by the press and those around her. She is not told every single day that she is not good enough.
Every meal is now a battle between nutrition and obsession.