They always tell you to run away from your demons. But what happens when the thing that scares you the most is yourself?
I have never been very kind to myself. In fact I tend to be a bit of a bully when it comes to dealing with my emotional needs. I starve myself of affection in fears that I will become dependant on the idea of love. Afraid that yet again I will fall victim and have my heart broken. So I send myself into the corners of society, hiding and feeding the loneliness that tends to grip those that suffer from depression. It is in this loneliness that I begin my self emotional mutilation. Away from prying eyes that see me as strong and confident.
“You are really pathetic you know. Why bother cry? No one is going to hear you. In all honesty I think most people would be better off if you were dead. No one will say it to your face because you are a worthless little piece of shit.” Those are the words I told myself this morning as I got dressed. Then I wonder why looking in the mirror is so difficult. How do I expect to have a self esteem when my inner voice is so adamant on breaking me down. I’m fighting a losing battle against myself, and I don’t know if winning is even possible. All the mechanisms I try and use to guard my spirit are soon torn down by constant self emotional mutilation.
This week I have found myself questioning a lot. I look at the people I have surrounded myself with and ask if I could have done better in terms of a support system. I watch as those closest to me continue to deny the battle that exists within me. So even on days when I’m brave enough to call for help, there is no one there waiting to assist me. I too often find myself relying on my own strength that seems to fade with each episode of self harm.
So today I find myself drained, at the brink of tears knowing that the cycle might start again.