Living My Present in My Past

Paulo Coelho is my favourite writer, and I have said this many times. This weekend a friend made me remember the emotions I felt when I read his book Aleph. For those who have not read the book, Aleph is about exploring ones past lives to determine the impact they have or might have on your current lives.

Depending on the religion you practise or the spiritual journey you may be on, you may or may not believe in one soul having multiple lives. However no one can say they have never had a deja-vu moment. A moment when you could swear you have met someone before, yet knowing you have never met them at all. Meeting someone for the first time and feeling as though you have known them for years. Finding yourself asking for forgiveness for sins you never committed. There is no mistaking the feeling of a connection that has been there longer than you have been alive.

This weekend I was made to remember the lady I once used to be. A housewife, that loved both her husband and her children unconditionally. A woman that devoted her life to taking care of her family. She was a confident, a defender, a therapist and a friend. Always there for others, without expecting anyone to be there for her in return. In all honesty, she was an amazing woman, a far cry from how I feel in the present. Her life seemed normal, yet perfect. Then one day her husband was gone, and with him a piece of her soul too. It is unclear whether her husband was killed, committed suicide or left her for a better life. What is certain is that his disappearance changed her. She no longer smiled, and her movements became slower, almost as though forced. She no longer cared about her appearance. She no longer lived, but merely existed. As though her soul had become dormant, waiting for her husband to return.

Thinking of her makes me more aware of the emptiness I feel. Yes, I was abandoned in the present. Yet the past abandonment I experienced through her still lives today. I long for the day when I feel my soul become whole again. When happiness can be just that, and not a facade to keep whispers at bay. I long for a love that surpasses imagination for it was created before I was even a thought. A love that does not forsake, hurt, nor torment. I seek love in its purest form.

This experience made me realise the importance of exploring ones souls. Addressing the issues that seemingly have no root in your present. Life is about knowing, dealing and moving on.